


These Ghosts of You

by violaeade



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, post 2x16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 07:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3641910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violaeade/pseuds/violaeade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Clarke leaves Camp Jaha, Bellamy finds it more difficult to manage all his responsibilities by himself. so what does he do? he sits outside the gate and talks to her, of course</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Ghosts of You

**Author's Note:**

> WOW there are so many great post 2x16 fics out there but i will contribute more anyways. this is something that popped to mind when i was thinking about headcannons last night and i could see Bellamy needing to talk to Clarke to keep himself sane. hope you enjoy, and all comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!! :) the title is from the song Ghosts of You by Chantal Kreviazuk it's lovely

The first time he does it, Bellamy just needs to get away from everyone else in Camp Jaha. It’s only been a week since Clarke left, but he feels the extra weight on his shoulders without her immediately. The adults have been asking Bellamy for his input more often, and the 44 are still looking at him like he’s the only real leader they trust. It’s a lot for him to bear by himself, but he’s managing.

But tonight when Jasper exploded at Monty during dinner and screamed until Monty was holding back tears, it all became too much. Bellamy sent Miller over to comfort Monty, and he walked with Jasper over to the opposite side of camp to walk off his anger. But Jasper’s anger melted away almost immediately and he just started to cry. Bellamy sat with Jasper and let him cry and grieve Maya for as long as he needed.

“I’ll never forgive Monty,” Jasper coughed out once he could speak again.

“Jasper, he’s your best friend. He was just trying to protect you,” Bellamy said quietly. “You were in the harvest chamber. You could’ve been next, for all we knew.”

Jasper shook his head. “He killed Maya. He—” Jasper breaks off to take a steadying breath. “I loved her, and he killed her.” Jasper looked up at Bellamy, tears running down his cheeks and so much sadness in his eyes. “How could he do that to me?”

Bellamy furrowed his brow and said gently, “You know that it was Clarke and I who pulled the lever, right? It wasn’t Monty.”

Jasper looked away, shaking his head. “You couldn’t’ve done it without his help.” He sniffled and wiped at his eyes.

Bellamy didn’t want to push it, but he couldn’t let Jasper keep hating Monty if it was because of something Bellamy contributed to. “Jasper, you can’t just blame Monty for this.” He swallowed. “Hate me instead. I was the one who pulled the lever.”

Jasper looked at Bellamy with such a cold look that it froze Bellamy to his core, but he didn’t say anything. So Bellamy kept talking.

“I know you’re devastated about Maya. She was a good person, and I couldn’t have survived without her,” Bellamy said, his voice getting thick as he thought about brave Maya lying dead on the floor in Mount Weather. He cleared his throat. “But if we hadn’t irradiated the mountain, all of our people would’ve died.” Bellamy makes Jasper meet his eyes. “ _You_ would’ve died.”

Jasper wiped his nose with his sleeve as he murmured, “What if it wasn’t worth it?”

And it was that question that led Bellamy to the field just outside the gates of Camp Jaha. He sits with his elbows resting on his knees and plays with a blade of grass between his fingers. He stares out at the woods, watching the last spot he saw Clarke walking into the tree line and sighs deeply.

“I told Jasper it was worth it to kill everyone in that Mountain,” Bellamy says. He pretends that Clarke is sitting next to him, and they’re still facing the world together, and that he’s not talking to an empty landscape. “But what if we’d been able to find another way? I’ve been driving myself crazy thinking about it.” He huffs a breath. “It doesn’t matter, anyways.”

He stays there for a while longer before he hears someone calling his name inside the camp, and he needs to investigate. But he feels a little better when he walks inside, a little calmer. There’s a ghost of the feeling that he used to get when he and Clarke stood side by side and made decisions together. It’s like some of the pressure has been taken off, and he can walk with slightly lighter steps.

Talking to Clarke becomes a weekly ritual. Sometimes he does it several times a week when the camp is especially challenging to cope with, but mostly he goes out once a week to vent and tell Clarke about whatever’s been going on.

“Raven and Wick are officially a thing,” Bellamy says one night. “I mean, it was pretty obvious ever since Mount Weather, but they walked to dinner holding hands tonight. Raven looked really, really happy.” He pauses and furrows his brows. “She misses you, though.” He looks back up at the woods, envisioning Clarke’s retreating figure. “We all do,” he says quietly. His heart is heavy in his chest.

“Octavia has started training the other 44 in hand-to-hand combat,” Bellamy tells Clarke another night. “She and Harper especially will go at it for hours, just practicing and practicing technique.” He becomes quiet at the mention of Octavia, because he never really knows what to say about her to Clarke. Octavia is still incredibly angry with Clarke for all the decisions she’s made, and brings it up to Bellamy constantly. He doesn’t want to hear it, and tells Octavia as much, but she just keeps going. He decides he might as well just let it all out right now.

“She blames you for all the dead people in TonDC,” he says, feeling awkward. “She insists it was the wrong choice.” Bellamy watches his finger trace a mushroom cloud in the dirt beside him, and imagines TonDC below the cloud. “I understand why she’s mad, but I understand why you did it, too. I don’t know what to think, really,” he says, his voice sounding tired.

“But I think she’s mostly mad at you for leaving,” Bellamy finally admits. “I think she wanted to talk to you about it, and then you left her behind and it hurt.” He feels the words resonate in him, and he knows they’re true for him as well. It’s why he has to sit underneath the stars every few days and pretend Clarke can hear him.

He starts to get up to leave, but something is still nagging at him, so he just opens his mouth and lets whatever words pop into his mind spill out.

“Things are really fucking hard here, Clarke, and you should be here. I know why you had to leave but _God_ I hate it. Everyone looks at me to fix everything, and I used to be able to handle it all but that was when you were here, too, and now sometimes I feel like I’m going to implode at any given moment.” He’s breathing heavy and his voice is angry, but he feels the loneliness the sharpest. “I was right there when you pulled the lever, Clarke. I pulled it, too, and I killed all those people just like you. It’s hard for me, too, but I didn’t leave! I stayed, and I grit my teeth, and I do what I need to do! Why couldn’t you do the same?” He’s yelling now, but he doesn’t care. Yelling feels good—cathartic—but when he’s done, he mostly just seems hollow. He’s not being fair and he knows it—things aren’t the same for him and Clarke, and she needs a different way to heal. But he’s finding it more and more difficult to stay understanding as time passes and he misses her more and more.

“Just come back soon,” he whispers to the wind, and then heads back inside Camp Jaha.

He doesn’t go to talk to her for a couple weeks after that, because he feels like he doesn’t have anything left to say. But one night he walks to the gate, caught between going and not, when he hears someone else’s voice drifting from behind the gate. His hand immediately finds his gun, but then he puts it back down when he recognizes the voice. It’s Monty.

Bellamy walks through the gate and spots Monty sitting a few meters away, talking to the sky and the trees and the ground like Bellamy does. He hears Monty say Clarke’s name, and knows that Monty needed to talk to her, too. He smiles sadly, both comforted and destroyed by the fact that he’s not the only one who still needs Clarke.

“Hey, Bellamy?” Monty calls out. Bellamy hadn’t realized Monty had turned to see him standing there.

“Yeah?” Bellamy replies, taking a few steps closer so they don’t have to shout.

“Do you think Clarke will come back?” He’s trying too hard to keep his voice neutral, and it sounds strained.

Bellamy sighs. “I don’t know, Monty. I really hope so, though,” he says.

Monty turns back towards the trees. “So do I.” Bellamy leaves Monty after that, knowing that this isn’t really something you want to do with someone else listening.

As the weeks bleed by, Bellamy sees a few of the other 44 sit outside the gates sometimes, seemingly talking to no one. But he knows they’re talking to Clarke. He even sees Jasper out there once, ripping up blades of grass absently as he talks. Bellamy watches to see if Octavia will ever try to air her grievances to Clarke, and he sees her standing with her arms crossed staring at the sky just outside the gate a few times, but she’s never talking. It’s a start.

Bellamy smiles whenever he sees someone talking to her ghost, like Clarke is becoming more and more a part of the camp again. It doesn’t really make any sense, but it helps fill the hole inside Bellamy, and he’ll take whatever he can get.

**Author's Note:**

> big thanks to Kara for helping me edit! i'm really dumb and don't know how to add links so just go to her blog here http://bellarkesupernova.tumblr.com


End file.
